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My mother taught me how TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
*If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

My mother taught me RELIGION
*You better pray that will come out of the carpet

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
*If you don't straighten up, I am going to knock you into the middle of next week.

My mother taught me LOGIC
*Because I said so, that's why.

My mother taught my MORE LOGIC
*If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
*Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you are in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY
*Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.

My mother taught me the SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS
*Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
*Look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me about STAMINA
*You'll sit there until that spinach is gone.

My mother taught my about the WEATHER
*Your room looks like a tornado went though it!

My mother taught my about HYPOCRISY
*If I told you once, I told you a million times, don't exaggerate!

My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE
*I brought you into this world and I can take you out!

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
*Stop acting like your father.

My mother taught me about ENVY
*There are plenty less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.

My mother taught me about RECEIVING
*You are going to get it when you get home!

My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE
*If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze like that!

My mother taught me about ESP
*Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are cold?

My mother taught me about HUMOR
*When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me!

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
*If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me GENETICS
*You're just like your father.

My mother taught me about my ROOTS
*Shut the door! Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me about WISDOM
*When you get to my age, you'll understand.

And my favorite......

My mother taught me about JUSTICE
*One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
 
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